Why bipolar me chooses to be (mostly) alcohol free!

As bipolar people we feel everything so intensely.  Our daily emotions can feel like bullets shattering our hearts.  So its no surprise that we feel attracted to alcohol; it numbs us out so that we don’t have to feel the full potency of our emotions. I wish I had known earlier how dangerous alcohol is for bipolar disorder.  And that there are alternative ways of dealing with our often overwhelming moods. 

During depression, we often want to drink to numb the intense pain. To soften the suicidal thoughts.  But alcohol is a counterproductive way to do this, since it’s literally a depressant. While it does numb the pain temporarily, after the effect wears off, we’re left even deeper in the darkness than before we started drinking.  

When we’re (hypo) manic, we’re soaring high.  During these times, we’re attracted to alcohol because it boosts us even higher. But drinking alcohol is like adding lighter fluid to our manic fire.  Our inhibitions, which are already weakened when we’re manic, disappear after we drink. This puts at extreme risk for impulsive decisions that we’ll regret later, like leasing that car we can’t afford, sleeping with that toxic person, or quitting a job we like because of one tough day. 

Alcohol is most dangerous during a mixed episode, when we’re simultaneously manic and swimming in violent suicidal thoughts.  When we’re this close to the edge, having a few drinks can make the difference between thinking about suicide and taking action on it. 

So if we shouldn’t drink, how the F do we deal with those intense moods?  

I feel you sister.  I’ve been there too,  and I’ve got some healthy alternatives for you

1. Creativity. It’s not a coincidence that many of the most famous writers, artists of all time had bipolar disorder. Art is alchemy;  it’s a way of channeling all the unbearable pain into something not just bearable, but beautiful. Personally, I’ve found writing and art invaluable in my life, especially when my emotions feel too intense to handle but I don’t want to numb out either.  

2. Moving your body.  When we’re overwhelmed, taking a walk, going for a run, doing a yoga class, swimming, or hiking in nature allows you get out of the head and into the body, freeing up stored emotions.  My personal favorite way to alchemize the intensity of bipolar emotions is dancing!!  Whether I’m manic or depressed, after grooving away for a couple of songs I feel so much more peaceful, lighter, and capable of managing my bipolar brain. 

3.Getting out your emotions. Screaming. Crying. Laughing.  Hitting a pillow.  Calling a friend or support person and getting it all off your chest.   We often resort to alcohol because we’re afraid to express our feelings.  It’s not our fault, we live in a shiny happy culture, and many of us were shamed in the past when we showed our emotions.  We learned that it was safer to numb out on food and alcohol rather than expressing our feelings.  It’s scary at first, but once you start letting yourself cry it out, scream it out, yell it out, you’ll notice that you need to numb your pain less.  Because there’s less pain to deal with since you’ve been releasing it! 

Ok Jenny, so does this mean I never get to drink again? Are you totally sober, 100% of the time?  Only you know what’s right for you and your body, but in my case, what works for me is being about 99% sober.  I still enjoy alcohol, but very rarely, and I’m very intentional about where and when.  I only drink when I’m stable, around supportive people, and I limit myself to a small glass, or maximum two.  

For example, despite everyone chugging wine around me, I didn’t drink at all over the holidays.   Because as much as I love my family, they trigger me easily and around them I’m very sensitive.   Instead of having my rare glass of wine with them, I had it two nights ago, with a dear nurturing friend in Paris.  I checked in with myself, and felt the desire from a healthy place to enjoy a glass of wine with her.   I sipped my wine slowly, and savored it.  I didn’t NEED the wine to numb out, but it felt like a safe, pleasurable thing to do with a dear friend, so I enjoyed it! 

I invite you today to check in with yourself about your relationship with alcohol.  Are you drinking more than you know is good for your body, mind, and soul?  The “right” amount of alcohol is going to look different for each of us, but if I’ve learned anything these last 16 years with bipolar, less is more. Sending you so much love as you navigate the wine-dy path of bipolar and alcohol (terrible pun intended!)