Dating tips for women with bipolar
A year ago I went on a date with a French guy. I was hypomanic—feeling sexy and fun AF. And Frenchie was captivated. Within an hour he asked me to be his girlfriend. We made out until sunrise.
I was so infatuated that I downplayed the blaring red flags. No biggie! We had amazing chemistry. We’d be fine!
All was fine until one day I shared something vulnerable. I told him about a verbally abusive ex boyfriend. And Frenchie responded, “Well, what did you do to make him say those things? WTF??
I turned my back and began sobbing uncontrollably. When I finally turned back around I saw his eyes wide like a stoned rat. Clearly thinking “Whoaaaaa? What happened to the fun girl from the first dates? I did not sign up for THIS!!
From there it plunged downhill, fast. Frenchie started pulling away. I tried everything to detach. But inevitably, just as I was starting to heal, Frenchie would reach out again. And I would return to him. Sleep with him. Reopen my heart. Until he inevitably pulled away.
I’m a moody person when I’m stable. but in my relationship with Frenchie, I felt like my bipolar disorder was cranked up full throttle. It felt like shit, and thankfully I ended it. And decided that that would be my LAST toxic relationship!! EVER!!
I wish I could say that my fling with Frenchie was unusual. But sadly, most of my relationships followed that pattern. The men I was attracted to were enraptured with my hypomanic side. Then repulsed when they eventually met the other me.
As people with bipolar, we’re used to severe fluctuations of our moods. Because it’s our normal, we often subconsciously seek out instability in relationships. This can look like my hot and cold mess with Frenchie . Or a violent partner who sweetens up in between outbursts.
Sadly, these toxic partners are often the ones with whom we have the most powerful chemistry.
But most of us need is the opposite. Someone grounded. Someone secure. And unconditionally in love with us. ALL of us. Both the shiny and the shadow side. A partner like this, rather than exacerbate our mood swings, softens them. And makes bipolar disorder a little easier to manage.
One moment to pay attention to is when share your diagnosis. How do they react? Do they look disappointed? Repulsed? Or are they empathetic and supportive? This will likely predict how well (or poorly!) they will support you and your moods during your time together.
Finally, this sounds obvious, but when you start dating, feel whether this person REALLY likes you. Are they intrigued by what you say?
Do they ask questions, curious to know everything about you? Is it obvious that they admire you, and feel so blessed to spend time with you, even when you’re down? This better be what you’re getting! Because a partner who’s not 100% smitten, is likely to flee when your worst depression comes out and shit gets real!!
Lastly, before you go into any new relationship, focus on loving yourself. As bipolar folks, we tend to have lower self esteem than most. And it’s easy to enter into a relationship feeling inferior.
You are amazing sister! Yes, we’re not the easiest people to date, but with our challenges come gifts. Our vibrance, our creativity, our compassion that allows us to feel them without them saying a word.
You are a gem sister. And if the person you’re dating isn’t treating you like a queen, run fast! And make space for that nurturing, balancing love that you deserve.
Sending you so much love in your journey of love.