How stopping dieting helped me manage bipolar disorder

My junior year in college, I lived with four roommates in the suburbs of Toulouse, France.  In early December, one of my roomies barged into my room when I was taking a nap.  “Jenny!  he said, “this is my friend O.  He’s going to stay with us in the guest room this month”  Whoa, even through my groggy eyes I could see that O was…WOW.  By dinnertime I was hopelessly in love with him.  

Our relationship followed the bipolar pattern.  For the first few months, we pranced around the house, making out shamelessly in front of my poor roomies.  On Valentines Day he took me snowshoeing in the Pyrenees followed by a four course meal.   Euphoria? Ecstasy? There’s no word in either the English or French language to  describe how elated I felt in the beginning.  But a few months later, his shadow side peeked out.   He started with little criticisms of my hair, my clothes.  Then one day he blurted out that I was fat.  I cried for days.  But rather than dump him, I decided to go on a diet.  Maybe if I was skinnier the nice O might come back.  

So I started starving myself.  For breakfast, I’d devour one slice of toast.  Scarf down a salad for lunch and dinner.  Between my “meals” I’d go for a two hour run or swim.  My efforts paid off, and by the next Christmas I looked like a skeleton.  Just in time for O to tell me he wasn’t in love with me anymore. 

My angry heart, coupled with a starved, sleepless body dragged me into a violent suicidal rage. Which was followed by 5 months of euphoric, reckless mania, followed by an inevitable gory depression.  And before another Xmas could come around I was stamped with the dreaded B word. 

For the next 8 years, my weight fluctuated in correlation with my bipolar cycles.  During my depressions, I would numb my misery with pints of ice cream, frozen pizzas and wine. A month later, I could barely zip up my jeans “Jenny! You disgusting pig.” I would say.  And start another cabbage soup diet or juice cleanse until the weight slipped off again. Before long, I’d be too hungry and skittish to sleep well. And who needed sleep anyways?  With my new sexy body, all I felt like doing was staying out dancing, sleeping with toxic guys, and fucking up my life.  Until depression reinvaded.  And I’d plunge back down to hell, binging on food and alcohol to ease my fall.  

Was it bipolar disorder that caused my diet-binge cycles?  Or yo-yo dieting that exacerbated my bipolar disorder?  I’m not sure.  But what I do know, is that my mood swings became WAY less severe once I healed my relationship with food.  That miracle came by way of learning about Ayurveda, the ancient Indian science of health.  Ayurveda focuses on bringing balance to our bodies, minds and souls.   Ha! Balance! Could bipolar me EVER have that in my life?  

I was delighted to find that yes, I could!  Over the next few years, I learned how delicious it felt to not always be stuffing or starving myself.  And instead, to fill my belly modestly every time I was hungry.  My body eventually reached its healthy weight.  Where give or take a couple of pounds, it has remained ever since. 

Finding balance with food had a miraculous effect on my bipolar cycles.  By no longer starving myself, my highs became less frantic. Similarly, by crying out my depression rather than numbing it with food, my lows weren’t nearly as torturous. Eventually I reached a place where my mood swings were so mild that I thought I had cured my bipolar disorder.  So I did the logical thing someone without bipolar disorder would do—went off my medication. Oooooof big mistake.   

So yeah, I learned the hard way that having a healthy relationship with food doesn’t CURE bipolar disorder.  But it does make it way more manageable.   So here are a few tips to help you find balance with food! 

Try to eat a bowl of nourishing food 2-3 times a day whether you’re manic, depressed or anywhere in between.   Jenny? That’s crazy! I’m never hungry when I’m (hypo)manic.  And when I’m depressed, I’m either disgusted by food, or can’t stop eating everything in sight.  I feel you booboo.  That was me too. But I invite you to try. 

Eating a balanced diet throughout my moods looks something like this.  When I’m hypomanic, as hard as it is, I force myself to sit down and eat grounding meals twice a day.   An example of a meal to balance hypomania would be a large bowl of rice and sautéed root vegetables (sweet potatoes, fennel, beets, carrot), topped with a hearty drizzle of olive oil, pumpkin seeds, and parsley.   Yum right? 

On the other hand, when we’re depressed, we usually fall into two camps. Some of us (like former me) get ravenous, wanting to eat everything in sight, especially dense, sweet, creamy foods.   Others completely lose their appetite.  Regardless of which kind of depressed eater (or non-eater) you are, it’s great to eat warm, nourishing lighter foods, like soups paired with herbal teas. An example of a depression-balancing meal would be a spiced lentil soup full of veggies, topped with a drizzle of olive oil and cilantro.  

And when we’re stable? Pretty much the same thing! Ideally we want to enjoy moderate amounts of food whenever we’re hungry, ideally 2-4 times a day.  If you’re anything like me, eating a balanced diet when you’re stable, when combined with other wellness practices, might make you forget sometimes that you even have bipolar disorder!!! As long as you keep taking your medication. Please please please keep taking it regardless of how amazing you feel!! 

Sending you so much love in your journey loving and nourishing your beautiful body